A few weeks ago, I was out at the Toyota Grand Prix in Long Beach with my friend Laurie and her boyfriend Josh. During our lunch at Tequila Jack’s, our conversation took one of those typical turns down the “what do you do for a living?” road. As soon as I respond “I help families plan funeral services ahead of time,” the discussion becomes very interesting; given that this answer is not the typical “I am a Realtor” or “I work at Macy’s at the fragrance counter.”
I love interpersonal communications. My personal belief is that there is no more important endeavor than trying to connect with my fellow human beings; especially because of the personal growth I experience as a result of these interactions. Nobody lives in a vacuum, after all.
During our lunch, I learned a little more about Josh and his family. Having recently celebrated his 47th birthday, he was raised primarily by his mom - his dad left the picture when Josh was a small child. As a result, his relationship to his mother is very close; they speak on the phone at least weekly (she lives out of state), Josh - along with his two other siblings - helps to partially financially support her, and he makes it a point to get out to see her a minimum of twice a year. Each visit lasts an average of three weeks.
Josh and his mom have had “the talk.” No, not THAT one… the one about what she would like to have happen after her vacation here on Earth concludes. In other words, when she dies. From Josh’s description, his mom prefers to be “cremated and scattered in some meaningful place” which Josh named but escapes my memory at the moment. She does not want a viewing, and was undecided about a memorial (funeral) service.
Josh went on to say he was fully prepared to see his mom’s wishes through to the final instruction, which is all well and good – until I heard the next statement come out of his mouth. Apparently, his mom has two sisters – Josh’s aunts. The topic of his mom’s final disposition has been discussed in the presence of her sisters to where these two ladies have some issue with certain details of Josh’s mom’s plan. Specifically, the lack of a viewing and the “scattering” parts.
An aside on viewing: I, Shirley D. Downie, personally do not need to view someone who has died in order to say my goodbyes or have closure. However, from my exposure to many families through the course of my job, I realize that most human beings do need this. So I always make a point to try to share the loved ones’ perspective with an individual who is sitting in front of me, planning his or her future funeral service. “Regardless of how you try to downplay it,” I tell the person, “your loved ones will be devastated when you die. Utterly devastated.” Because of my own recognition of this, I included a viewing in my own funeral preplans, because I know my son Christopher is going to need it for his own closure. I feel it is my responsibility, obligation, and acknowledgement of the importance of our relationship to do what I can to “make it okay” for him. To take all of my influence upon his physical and emotional growth, and be able to live his own life to its fullest potential.
Here’s what Josh said to me that made my blood run cold: “I don’t care what my aunts want or if they like it; I am going to do what my Mom wants.”
Now, those people who know me both in a personal and a professional capacity know how I feel about preplanning, given my own life experiences. There are many benefits to preplanning – most importantly because of the huge emotional burden it removes from one’s loved ones when that day comes. Having said that, I frequently sit in front of individuals who – like Josh – are really locked into the idea of “this is what I want” almost to the exclusion of how their immediate family members might feel about things.
Intentionally or unintentionally, Josh’s mom has put him in an untenable situation. If Josh follows through on his mom’s wishes, her sisters will be affected negatively (from an emotional perspective) for the rest of their lives. If Josh does not follow through on his mom’s wishes, he himself will be negatively affected for the rest of HIS life (most people who are forced to make these types of decisions which they believe are not consistent with “what the deceased wanted” typically suffer years of guilt after the fact). This happens a lot with unplanned deaths; where a family is faced with the overwhelming costs of burial, and opt for cremation (a slightly less costly alternative to traditional burial) – knowing full well that their loved one did not wish to be cremated.
Final Thoughts
Yes, this is YOUR funeral service. Yes, the whole reason for planning it in advance is so that you are able to express your wishes and preferences to your family. But, it really isn’t just all about you. When have you ever, in your whole entire life, made a decision that did NOT take anyone else into account? Life is made up of difficult choices and sacrifices for the ones we love. Parents save and scrimp for years to send their children to good colleges. Young people party less and work more hours at their jobs in order to afford rent so they can move out of their parents’ house. Death is no different - losing a loved one to death is a shared experience. Keep that in mind when talking about your own death with your family. After all, they are the ones that are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives.
Nobody lives in a vacuum.
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