Death: An Experience For The Living

In the course of my many discussions with families about pre-planning funeral services, I invariably run into the commonly expressed procrastination tactic which is captured by the phrase, “Um, I’d like to think about it… I have a lot going on in my life, and anyway Shirley, doing this right now is not urgent.”

I spent some time thinking about this earlier today; the average person’s tendency to put off pre-planning. My personal belief is that at its core, the motivating factor for human beings is, basically, that it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that one day, our life will end. That someday, we are NOT going to be here – walking around, driving to work, having lunch with our significant other, going to the beach with our friends, opening Christmas presents with our families and loved ones surrounding us. So that’s a big part of it – nobody wants to talk about death, especially his or her own. But I suspect there is more to it than just that.

In most other activities in the world, there is a definite “actions vs. consequences” pattern. If one does not brush and floss his or her teeth frequently enough – also known as “the action” – then what’s likely to follow are lots of trips to the dentist. Cavities, oral surgery, dentures… the more you neglect your teeth, the more negatively the consequences will affect you. But what’s important to note in this example is that you, and you alone, take on the responsibility for your own actions. “Planning for retirement” is another example of this. You work and you scrimp and you save, sometimes making difficult economical choices over the several years of your life, and the reward for doing those things is to have enough money to live on when you are no longer actively working. For those that take the grasshopper route, you can sometimes observe those poor souls in the neighborhood grocery store buying 20 cans of cat food – and not actually owning a cat.

Anyone who has ever had to go through the death of a loved one in their immediate family understands what a heart-wrenching, emotionally traumatic event that can be. If there was no plan put into place ahead of time, there are a myriad of issues that compound the “to be expected” shock, loss & grief that surrounds losing the person to begin with. The unexpected piece is all of the added misery piled on – the argument amongst various family members, the feelings of guilt whether the right decisions were made to honor the person’s life, the feeling of nausea in facing the Funeral Director across the desk who has just uttered the words, “So, your total comes to $12,378 dollars and 27 cents – how would you like to pay for that? We accept cash, check or charge.”

In our industry, there is an oft-used AARP statistic from a telephone survey done in 1998 that says, “32% of Americans age 50 and over” have done some pre-planning – whether that’s purchasing cemetery property or prepaying other funeral service expenses. Here’s the message I would like to send to the other 68%: Pre-planning your funeral service or not pre-planning your funeral service will not change YOUR life. At all. Unlike every other endeavor, this is the one time that you personally will be spared the consequences of your actions.

But there is still a price to be paid. Who are you going to stick with the bill as you high-tail it out of Life’s restaurant?

The last person that told me, “It’s not urgent, Shirley” – I agreed with her. She reasoned that she had “a lot going on right now.” I understood that. I have my own life as well – if anyone can relate to the concept of “a lot going on” you can be absolutely sure: I do. Now, imagine for a moment that busy life of yours, the one you are living with a lot going on, coming to a screeching halt with a totally random phone call. Imagine the unimaginable, the unthinkable… one of the meaningful people in your world all of a sudden being snatched out of it; no warning, no preparation. You had plans, didn’t you. Things you were going to do. Everything wiped away as easily and completely as an eraser against a chalkboard. This can’t be right? This doesn’t make sense! It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, I’m defrosting a roast to make for dinner tonight.. this can’t happen! This doesn’t make sense!??!?

I also told that last person: “It’s never going to be urgent – until someone dies.”

Know this: the final chapter of your life is always included in someone else’s life story. Is it reliving a wonderful adventure? Or is it a cautionary tale to help other families learn a difficult lesson? How you ultimately write that chapter is up to you; but the people you leave behind will be the ones to read and re-read those words over and over for the rest of their own lives.

If you care, care about it NOW when you can still make a difference. Not for yourself, but for those people you go to the beach with. That surround you during the holidays when you are opening your Christmas presents. That person you love having lunch with – that person defrosting a roast to make for dinner tonight.

There is nothing more urgent than taking care of the people you love, on what’s going to be one of the worst days of their lives.

Peace.